Shepherd of my soul..

We always took the people who loves us for granted. Why? Is it because we know that they will still stay with us even if we cause them pain? Or is it because we are just too shy enough to say what we really feels towards them?hmm... Me? I still don't know exactly why? But I wanna choose the second one, the "shy type". Perhaps, it reflects me.

I've been living in this world for 20 years now, within those years I have so many regrets. If I will say those all, it will take a lot of hours and words to express it. One of the things I really regreted was letting my shyness overcome my confidence. Because of it, I didn't had the courage to say the things I wanna say to the people I love. I became more silent of my feelings, and the feelings I had remain untold! I really really blame myself for being silent all of this years. 

Recently, my nanay passed away. It was so painful on our part specially for me and jash. Though, she's not our own mother yet for us we can say that she's been our "2nd mother" since I graduated in high school. I grew up knowing her as the older sister of my father, yet after I graduated in high school God given me the opportunity to live at the same house with her along with my cousins. Being with her for almost a year is a treasure that I will cherish every chapter of my life. I experienced scolded by her, but I learned. I learned to be patience and persistent because of the things she taught me. I observed how she raised her children well, and how good she was as a grandmother. I know its too late for me to say to you the words I wanna hear you nay, but I really wish that you'll hear me saying..

nay, I'm sorry I didn't had the courage to tell you how much I love you. That I didn't had the words to express how greatful I'am for  you helped me became more mature in myself. I regreted that night for I didn't pursue to visit you in your place. I don't know but there's something about that night that makes me really wanna go but still in some reasons I stayed. Then I woke up early in the morning reading the text message that ate sent to me, "wala na si mama, ni a me sa medical". Nay, I really regreted it. Instead of going in your place, I went to the hospital. I saw you lying in the bed at the ER breatheless and cold. Nay, I know you don't want to see us crying, but I can't control my tears not to fall. I fought but those tears just won't stop, it was like a rain that continues from falling. I touched your hand, it was cold but I ignored it and said to you how sorry I'am. At taht moment, the memories we had with you flashing back..

There will be no more nanay ely  to buy some "shakoys" every afternoon..

There will be no more nanay  ely  to give us "pamasahe" when there is none..

There will be no more nanay ely to scold me whenever  I'm acting like a "boyish" girl..

There will be no more nanay to argue with kent every morning everytime he turns on the light just to put a gel on his hair..

Kent will miss the arguements with you nay..

the morning lines with your apo, "nganong e.on man jud na nimu ang suga,kent?" and your apo would simply answer you, "alangan beh dili man ko ka.kita.."

Hay nay, we will really miss you badly. I know we have to move on, I'm just so sorry for the last moment of your life you didn't hear me saying to you how thankful I'am for God had given me the oppoturnity to be with you for almost half of my life. You really are amazing nay, for even if you are gone you still taught me something, and that is to have the confidence to show my feelings to the people who sees my worth. And I'm really open now nay.

Thank you for everything nay, words aren't enough to let you know that..

hope you will find peace at God's place..

I love you nay beyond words..

The song that will reminds me of you nay..

Shepherd of my soul

Shepherd of my soul I give you full control,
Wherever You may lead I will foll-ow.
I have made the choice to listen for Your vo-vo-ice,
Wherever You may lead I will go.

Be it in the flowing river or in the quiet night,
The Shepherd of my soul is by my side.
Should I face the stormy weather or the dangers of this world.
The Shepherd of my soul will be my guide.