By Fr Michael McGoldrick OCD

Father McGoldrick is a member of the Anglo-Irish Province of the Discalced Carmelite, based inIreland. The Irish-Scottish and Nigerian regions of the province have a website at: www.ocd.ie . We thank them for the use of this article.

Begin to have more realistic expectations of ourselves, of others and of God. Learn to live less out of the expectations of others and stop taking responsibility for everything that is wrong!

Learn that it is alright to say 'No!' If people do not like us for saying no our world does not fall apart. We can have better relationships with others and we can have a more real, deeper and more fulfilling relationship with God.

When children are loved unconditionally they feel secure and grow up independent. They are aware of their self-worth, they are trusting and open. In decision-making they are confident; in conflict assertive. They are realistic in their expectations of themselves and of others. Their experience of God is of a loving and caring God.

What the child receives

These are the kind of qualities held up to us as characteristic of a 'normal' or 'healthy' child. But the reality is that most of us do not get unconditional love for many very understandable reasons. In fact very few children received unconditional love. Perhaps we need to take another look at what is the norm!

If most people do not get unconditional love during childhood then the norm is to feel insecure, to have an inadequate sense of self-worth, to be hesitant about opening ourselves to others, to be lacking in assertiveness in conflict situations. This has important consequences for us at an emotional and spiritual level.

Work in progress

Many of us have been crucified by the search for perfection. And the crucifixion continues! Advertising keeps reminding us of the perfect body, the perfect home….. We are constantly reminded by implication that we are imperfect. Can we turn that into something positive? If imperfection is the norm then we can begin learning to be at ease with imperfection. We are imperfect, others are imperfect, our world is imperfect - and all this is ok! This does not mean complacency. We are on a journey, which is slowly leading to personal transformation. We are a 'work in progress'!

We can begin to 'befriend' our imperfection, to be at ease with it. Failure does not make us bad people. We may do wrong but we remain good people. Accepting our imperfection means that we can acknowledge, accept and befriend our 'shadow' side: our overly competitive side, our dislike of our bodies, our shame, anger, inability to be assertive... We are of value for the person that we are - our 'shadow' side does not diminish that.

Just as we are

We are loved by others and by God. This has major implications for prayer. When we go to meet God in prayer we do so with empty hands - and know that God is quite happy with that. God does not want us to prove anything - just accept love. It takes a huge pressure off us! We go to God as a friend not as a judge!

The beauty of learning to live with imperfection is that our weakness becomes our strength! St Paulhad this insight nearly 2000 years ago! He wrote, ‘When I am weak then I am strong.’ We can become 'wounded healers'. Few people understand the weakness or pain of others like those who have had personal experience of them. They are in a particularly strong position to help, to bring healing to others. Their very ability to show their vulnerability invites people to come for healing!

To love our own self

But learning to accept ourselves is a slow process! We need to be patient with ourselves. We need to be gentle with ourselves. And we need to keep reminding ourselves we are not being selfish in doing so. All we are doing is treating ourselves the way God does!

There are many benefits! We begin to have more realistic expectations of ourselves, of others and of God. We learn to live less out of the expectations of others, we stop taking responsibility for everything that is wrong! We learn that is alright to say 'No!' If people do not like us for saying 'no' our world does not fall apart. We have better relationships with others. Above all we have a more real, deeper and more fulfilling relationship with God.