By ‘Maria’

The author; who sent us her full name and address, shares the deep loneliness she feels within her own family

I grew up with my beloved grand parents. Now that they’ve gone to eternity, I don’t know what kind of life to live. I feel at a loss. I’ve tried to move on living without them, but I still feel the pain of loss. I don’t understand, and I don’t want to understand why they had to leave me that early. Without them, it’s like I’m wandering in total darkness in an empty space. But I realize I still have parents to look after me. They’re here to fill the empty space caused by the absence of my dear grandparents, but unfortunately I don’t feel their presence. Honestly, I don’t want to feel that way, but deep inside me, it’s the terrible truth. Even if physically they’re with me, I still long for my grandparents’ love and care. I don’t mean that my parents don’t love and care for me, I just can’t understand why I feel that way towards them.

Maybe it’s because when I was a child, I wasn’t able to spend much time with them. They had to work away from us, and we were left in the loving care of our grandparents. I didn’t blame them for making such a decision to leave us behind because I understood they had to work hard for our family. And I also felt that their staying away from us was a big sacrifice for them too. I didn’t actually hate them but I felt very uncomfortable being with them, as though I was an alien in the family. It seemed none of my actions were good enough for their expectations so that almost everything I did was wrong.

I was in Grade V when my mother decided to give up her career and stay at home with us. In short, we were reconciled as one happy family again. I wasn’t used to living with them and that created a very big gap among us. The worst thing I could ever remember was that my mother blamed me for my grandmother’s death. I felt a dagger piercing my heart then but didn’t show my emotions. I tried to remain casual although I was deeply wounded. I knew my mother didn’t mean what she uttered but the damage was done. From that time on, my feelings towards my parents became so indifferent. I drastically drifted away to the point that I didn’t even talk to them.

I don’t want to hate them because deep inside me I do love and respect them.  I want to bridge the gap and patch up any difference between us but I remain very weak. I can’t find the courage to face the situation nor show my real feelings to my parents for fear that all the more they might misunderstand me. Until now, I honestly feel the gap is still there and I’m afraid it will become worse. I know I’ve caused them so much pain because, according to my mother, I was not the child she expected me to be. I don’t want things to go on like this. I want to live a normal life, living in harmony with my family.

Much as I want to make the first move, I’m held back by fear of getting rejected. I’m afraid it might be too late for me to bridge the gap but I’m very willing to try to find a way to mend the broken pieces of my life caused by the pain of my childhood experience.

As I move towards a new phase of my life, I wish I would be able to make the right move. Soon, if God permits, I hope to pursue my college degree in Manila as my initial step in facing a new beginning. I want to study away from my parents so that I’ll get the chance to find myself. I’m not sure if this decision of mine is right. All I want to do is to make up to my dear parents and siblings for all my shortcomings and misgivings. I want them to know how much I love them and I’ll do everything to make them proud of me once again as their beloved daughter and sister. I don’t know if I’ll survive without them. But what I am sure of is that I’ll prove my worth to them. Because of my unhappy experience in childhood, I developed the fear of mingling with people. I’m afraid that everyone will reject me and I feel that I’ve nobody to come home to. I’m afraid they won’t forgive me and may hate me for all the pain and heartaches I’ve given them. But I realize I’m afraid of everything because I don’t know myself. I’m afraid to lose everyone I love and those who love me for WHO I am if there are such people.

In prayer, I’ve sought guidance from the Holy Spirit and Mother Mary to help ease the pain and let go of all the heartaches and that these be replaced with love and understanding, patience and perseverance, humility and forgiveness. 

You may email ‘Maria’ at editor@misyononline.com , putting ‘For Maria’ in the subject. 
Or you may write her: c/o The Editor, PO Box 588, 6100 BACOLOD CITY